Censorship is Hilarious!

Censorship is useless. And funny!

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, a near-word, replacement word, or initial doesn’t really mask the actual word. It just pushes the word into the mind of the reader while giving the author semi-plausible deniability.

I want to hammer this motherplucker home, so I am including a censored story. I call it…

Daily Shopping

“Hi,” Madge yelled as she walked through the door. “How is everyone’s day going?”

Bill, the manager at the “Shop and Shop,” smiled broadly. Margaret (Madge to her friends) often stopped by. Everyone talked about the way she —— everyone she met. She was easy with her ——, and even —— on the floor from time to time. She was the best —— in town.

“Hi, Madge!” Bill called out. “How’s your ——?”

“Chafed, as usual. I’ve been all over the neighborhood this morning while the spouses are out, selling my —— to anyone who would buy.”

Bill laughed. Typical Madge, always hustling her fine —— all over the neighborhood. She was egalitarian about things. It didn’t matter who bought her stuff, so long as the money was good.

“Any takers?” Bill asked.

“Oh sure. Mrs. Henderson down the road. She’s always had a loose ——. I’m glad I was around to take care of that! I sure left her happy and ——. I bet she’s getting things ready for her husband’s —— as we speak!”

“You’re such a go-getter, Madge,” Bill said, smiling.

She nodded. “I’ll get as much as I can! I have a nasty —— habit to feed.”

Samantha, the assistant manager, walked up. “I thought I heard Madge! What are you guys talking about?”

“Madge’s —— habit.”

“Oh!” Samantha exclaimed. “I need some —— but lost my favorite hookup. Where do you get yours?”

“It’s on the corner of Wilshire and 10th. There’s an easy-to-miss sign that says “Needle’s ——.” Look for that. Lot’s of —— there. Some of it is intense ——; not for me. I mean, compared to a few of the regulars there, I’m just a dabbler.”

“Oh?” Samantha asked.

Madge nodded. “Sure! Some of them would gladly ——, ——, or even —— to get some of what they’re offering.”

Samantha and Bill laughed. “You’re such a ——,” Bill said. Samantha nodded vigorously.

Bill asked, “So are you in here for anything special?”

Madge nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got severely dry ——. Hitting the neighborhood in the hot sun really wears the —— out, you know? It’s the price of being a working girl.”

Samantha nodded. “You’re telling me! My boyfriend is always on about how dry my —— is after a hard —— in the ——.”

Madge nodded. “So you know what I mean!”

Bill nodded sagely. “Isle 16 has all of our lotions and unguents. Cortizone, Cetaphil, you name it, we got it. They should help with your leathery-feeling —— for sure! Oh, and Samantha! There are two guys from —— in my office. Could you tend to them? Those —— aren’t going to —— themselves, after all!”

Samantha smiled. “Sure,” she said sardonically. “You know how much I like —— ——.”

“I’d do it myself, but they hate the way I —— all over their ——.”

Madge smiled. “Thanks, Bill and Samantha! Sounds like you have a long afternoon of ——- —– and tending to their ——. It’s going to be a long afternoon for me too, and at night my husband will expect attention. You know how much he loves his ——!”*


 

I wrote that without a single cuss word or adult situation in the original. But once you blank out select words, the story becomes very different.

David Sedaris wrote about how, as kids, they would occasionally find X-rated books. The publishers of those books, in order to get around censorship laws, deliberately misspelled risque words. For instance, David Sedaris pointed out the word “nopples.”

The intent was the same, the subject was the same; the ONLY difference was in the arrangement of letters. Yet that was perfectly legal.

Patton Oswalt observed that on TV you can’t tell someone you’re going to have sex with them using common vernacular, but you CAN say “I’m going to fill your hoo-hah with goof juice,” which is terrifying.

Another example he gives: “when Captain Frosting gets done with your hairy bingle-bangle, it’s going to look like a rat in a rainstorm when I’m all done with my love paints.” That is a TERRIBLE thing to say to someone. Also, completely safe for TV, movies, and books. It’s even safe for work.

So really, censorship is ——.


 

* For grins and giggles, here’s the original, uncensored story:

Daily Shopping

“Hi,” Madge yelled as she walked through the door. “How is everyone’s day going?” 

Bill, the manager at the “Shop and Shop,” smiled broadly. Margaret (Madge to her friends) often stopped by. Everyone talked about the way she greeted everyone she met. She was easy with her compliments and even commented on the floor from time to time. She was the best saleswoman in town.

“Hi, Madge!” Bill called out. “How’s your feet?”

“Chafed, as usual. I’ve been all over the neighborhood this morning while the spouses are out, selling my makeup to anyone who would buy.”

Bill laughed. Typical Madge, always hustling her fine makeup all over the neighborhood. She was egalitarian about things. It didn’t matter who bought her stuff, so long as the money was good.

“Any takers?” Bill asked. 

“Oh sure. Mrs. Henderson down the road. She’s always had a loose change purse. I’m glad I was around to take care of that! I sure left her happy and poorer. I bet she’s getting things ready for her husband’s approval as we speak!”

“You’re such a go-getter, Madge,” Bill said, smiling.

She nodded. “I’ll get as much as I can! I have a nasty jewelry habit to feed.”

Samantha, the assistant manager, walked up. “I thought I heard Madge! What are you guys talking about?”

“Madge’s jewelry habit.”

“Oh!” Samantha exclaimed. “I need some jewelry but lost my favorite hookup. Where do you get yours?”

“It’s on the corner of Wilshire and 10th. There’s an easy-to-miss sign that says “Needle’s Gems.” Look for that. Lot’s of jewelry there. Some of it is intense, though; not for me. I mean, compared to a few of the regulars there, I’m just a dabbler.”

“Oh?” Samantha asked.

Madge nodded. “Sure! Some of them would gladly beg, borrow, or even steal to get some of what they’re offering.” 

Samantha and Bill laughed. “You’re such a treat,” Bill said. Samantha nodded vigorously. 

Bill asked, “So are you in here for anything special?”

Madge nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got severely dry skin. Hitting the neighborhood in the hot sun really wears the skin out, you know? It’s the price of being a working girl.”

Samantha nodded. “You’re telling me! My boyfriend is always on about how dry my skin is after a hard day in the shop.”

Madge nodded. “So you know what I mean!”

Bill nodded sagely. “Isle 16 has all of our lotions and unguents. Cortizone, Cetaphil, you name it, we got it. They should help with your leathery-feeling skin for sure! Oh, and Samantha! There are two accountants from regional in my office. Could you see to them? Those books aren’t going to balance themselves, after all!”

Samantha smiled. “Sure,” she said. “You know how much I like book balancing.”

“I’d do it myself, but they hate the way I scrawl all over their forms.”

Madge smiled. “Thanks, Bill and Samantha! Sounds like you have a long afternoon of talking, books and tending to their expectations. It’s going to be a long afternoon for me too, and at night my husband will expect attention. You know how much he loves his blowjobs!”