At A Glance: “So Long Mom” by Tom Lehrer

Almost since the beginning, I have loved dark humor. While friends of mine were reading Superman, X-Men, or even Archie comics, I was reading cartoons by Charles Addams. While others were watching “Little House on the Prairie”, I was watching re-runs of “The Munsters.” And while some were listening to Kiss or Olivia Newton John, I was listening to Tom Lehrer.

Tom Lehrer was a satirist from the 1960’s. He was also a genius – not figuratively but literally. He graduated in mathematics (magna cum laude) from Harvard University when he was 19 years old. He got his MA when he was 20, then taught classes at Harvard, Wellesley, and MIT. Then he taught Political Science at MIT. The man had a lot going on. After further adventures doing research at Los Alamos and joining the Army as a private, he naturally went into satirical performances at the piano.

Wait, what?

He fell in love with musical theater during his travels and he had an acid wit. He brushed up on his skills at the piano and set to writing. His lyrics were the star. They were subversive. For instance, in the early 60’s when acts like Lenny Bruce was getting hounded by the law for obscenity, he was able to write a grotesque song about venereal disease without using a single controversial word. Isaac Asimov loved the song, although he was sad that he couldn’t sing a lick of it outside of the club.

Lehrer recorded a record at a small studio for $15. It had a pressing of 400 copies. It sold out quickly. He did nothing to promote the record, going so far as to adding terrible reviews on the back of the album. The sales spread solely through word of mouth. That was when the UK found out about him. There, he was given an honorary degree by Princess Margaret.

After doing some TV programs and writing further songs, he toured the United States. It was during this time that he wrote “So Long Mom”.

He called it a piece of “pre-nostalgia.” The idea was that every large conflict has its great songs. For instance, World War I had songs like “Over There” and World War II had “I’m On My Way.” Songs about World War III would have to be written before the conflict because no one would be around to write one after. His explanation at the beginning of the embedded video at the bottom sets this all out.

Here are the lyrics:

So long, mom, 
I’m off to drop the bomb, 
So don’t wait up for me. 
But while you swelter 
Down there in your shelter, 
You can see me 
On your TV. 

While we’re attacking frontally, 
Watch Brinkally and Huntally, 
Describing contrapuntally 
The cities we have lost. 
No need for you to miss a minute 
Of the agonizing holocaust.

Little Johnny Jones he was a U.S. pilot, 
And no shrinking vi’let was he. 
He was mighty proud when World War Three was declared, 
He wasn’t scared, 
No siree! 

And this is what he said on 
His way to Armageddon: 

So long, mom, 
I’m off to drop the bomb, 
So don’t wait up for me. 
But though I may roam, 
I’ll come back to my home, 
Although it may be 
A pile of debris. 

Remember, mommy, 
I’m off to get a commie, 
So send me a salami, 
And try to smile somehow. 
I’ll look for you when the war is over, 
An hour and a half from now.

The music is jaunty – a perfect representation of a bouncy, good old-fashioned war song. I think he nails this.

And what of Tom Lehrer now? Here is where my respect shoots through the roof. He left satire when Henry Kissinger recieved the Nobel Piece Prize in 1973. He said that giving the prize to Kissinger made satire obsolete. Later, he said the real reason was he found touring a bore and was tired of playing the same songs over and over. He did write a few songs for the TV show “The Electric Company.” When I found out which ones, I found it odd how both his satirical music and children’s songs shaped my childhood. He retired to teach mathematics and musical theater at the University of California, Santa Cruz.

Lehrer’s own take on his music?

“If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while.”

So Long Mom by Tom Lehrer

The Worst Song Ever Written

Love is a complicated subject. There are a wide array of meanings within the word. For instance, there is obviously a difference when I say “I love my lover”, versus “I love cherry Jolly Ranchers.” Incidentally, it would be really easy to add something snarky here, but I am going to pass on that. Anyway, as with many complicated subjects, it attracts many a crappy songwriter. It is oh, so very easy to fall from sentimentality to schlock.

As you can imagine, there was stiff competition for this one. Strangely enough, most of the competitors are from the 70s. I eliminated songs with the word “babe” or “baby” in the title, because there are so many and they were all low-hanging fruit.

This, unfortunately, left out the song “Baby I’ma Want You” by Bread, which tends to trigger dyspepsia in me. I also left out break-up songs, or songs about missing someone who is gone. I place those under the subheading “Whiny-pants songs.” No, the song has to be a tribute, or a declaration of love/adoration/unnatural attachment to the poor soul who is the focus of someone’s misplaced creepiness.

Without further blather, I present to you the worst love song ever written: Young Girl – a 1968 song by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap. Here is the song on YouTube. This song was written by Jerry Fuller, who should have to register himself with the authorities. Why this song?

This song has what so many other crappy love songs have: Does it make one cringe? Yes. Does it stack cliches one after the other? Check. Is the music cheesy? Hoo boy! Even better, it has a horn section! But that is not what puts it over the top. It has something that none of the others I’ve considered has: pedophilia! 

This song is about a man who claims that the young girl in question is seducing him, so he has to chase her out before he changes his mind and has sex with a kid.

Lyrics:

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You’re much too young, girl

With all the charms of a woman
You’ve kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You’re old enough to give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You’re much too young, girl

Beneath your perfume and make-up
You’re just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You’re much too young, girl

So hurry home to your mama
I’m sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here before I have the time
To change my mind
‘Cause I’m afraid we’ll go too far, oh

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You’re much too young, girl

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl
You’re much too young, girl

Young girl, get out of my mind

You see? It’s her fault for making this man want to sleep with a child! How dare she? And how dare I listen to this song again? The subject matter is horrible and the music is schmaltzy. The music is what I imagine Lawrence Welk would write if he wanted to take a stab at rock music and child porn in one blow. This is a song that most “baby boomers” should remember. My parents had the album. What were they thinking? And why didn’t Child Protective Services not swoop in?