Editor’s Note and Origin Story:
I first met M.D Ambersaurius in a mescaline high I took with my friend and spiritual advisor Mescaline Bob. In the vision, I was alone in the desert wearing a parka and holding a hula hoop (pink with glitter) when M.D. Ambersaurius rode up on a giant fumtum (no I won’t explain what that is) complete with saddle and bridle. He told me to “put down your hoop and ride the snake.”
This was either a terrible pick up line inviting anal sex or a suggestion to awaken the kundalini in me and achieve my true spiritual potential. I ended up doing neither and went out for ice cream instead.
The second time I met M.D. Ambersaurius was in the real world in Washington D.C. where, in immaculate opera attire, he was screaming at the top of his lungs as a poor person. The advice he gave to the poor person was “go f**k yourself with a walrus.”
That was when I knew I met the right man with the wrong way for words. I invited him to guest-write for my blog, submitting business advice for good and happy success. He asked me how much I would pay him. I told him I am a writer myself and his response was “what are you going to pay me in? Toothless truck stop blowjobs?”
When I assured him that I can’t even afford that, he took pity on me… that is, after a few sharp rasps on my forehead with his platinum-tipped cane. He agreed to send me the occasional e-mail, provided that I forfeit part of my soul to him and set up an altar to pray to him. Since I can afford both, a gentlemen’s agreement was agreed upon.
Although I am not sure why I pursued his business advice so doggedly. After all, this IS the man who, on our first meeting, told me to go f**k myself with a walrus.
The first bit of advice M.D. sent me was his patented method of getting any job you want, from dish-sweeper to CEO. “Just send this email,” he screamed over the phone, “and any any cow-like HR zombie will start making out your first paycheck!”
You’re Getting Sleepy!
Have you ever had that feeling of walking purposefully into a room then suddenly forgetting what you were there to do?
You went into that room to hire me!
Have you ever left the house wondering whether or not you left the stove on?
I am that stove!
That vital thing that you have to do that is on the tip of your tongue? Hiring me!
I can sense you and the sweet nectar of your confusion is on my tongue. Don’t read this! Stare into the circle! The circle! The sweet, sweet circle! The circle knows what to do. The circle ALWAYS knows what to do. The circle knew it all the time. The circle… the circle…
I start on Monday!!!!
About the Author: M.D. Ambersaurius is better than you. His career has spanned lifetimes and the breadth of his knowledge cannot be measured in any metric that a puny you can understand. Read his LinkedIn and tremble.