Employer/Employee Relations: Batters Up! – by M.D. Ambersaurius

BattersUp.jpg

What is it that encourages workers more: fear or love? Easy enough question to answer while you stalk down the cubicle farm waiting to ambush the unsuspecting.

It’s fear, damn you! Fear!

I learned this lesson while visiting our workforce in China. As a cost saving measure, we moved our poisonous insulation factory into a Chinese prison. Relax! They’re all working under good conditions.

For instance, there is a limit to the number of times the guards can use the shock collar, prisoners are no longer required to fight the wolverine for water privileges, and we wait until the prisoners die of “natural causes” before we harvest their noses for aphrodisiacs. Pretty good deal, huh? Much better than our interests in the Myanmar Republic.

What I noticed while I was at the Chinese prison (which will remain nameless to keep those socialists at the UN from barking down our snorkel) was that productivity increased threefold when I got involved in the production process. Some naysayers would say this was because of the crossbow bolts I fired at their feet, but I think it’s because of my personal dynamism. What I learned was that fear inspired them to work harder for the company with no extra “cost” (aside from the crossbow bolts.)

So do you want to get real results with no extra investment? Fear is your gateway.

To cite a real-life example, a major military base was under construction with an undisclosed (yet unbelievable) cost point. It was lagging behind its set completion date, which was seriously endangering the whole project, not to mention driving down the potential profits. The home office took notice, but the on-site managers complained that the employees were already working too hard. So it took the arrival of a dynamic, charismatic, and business-savvy man to manage the workflow. After he took charge, they completed the project well before the projected date.

That man’s name? Darth Vader.

LordVader
Manager of the YEAR!

So when your workers complain that they are tired, overworked, or that the leg cuffs chaining them to their desks are beginning to chafe, negotiate with them the same way the teeth of a tiger negotiates with a slow gazelle. Fall upon them like a lightning bolt!

I hate to use an example from a commie, but there was a reason why Chairman Mao ushered in the “let a thousand roses bloom” era. Look up the names in the suggestion box, then make those people very public reminders to the others why fear is their best bet to keep their jobs (or heads.)

Your productivity will increase and your investors will thank you!


M.D. Ambersaurius is better than you! FAR better! Check out his LinkedIn, then look upon his works ye mighty and despair!

M.D. Ambersaurius’ LinkedIn Profile