When I was a hiring manager, I saw young, potential wage slaves every week. They came in with their degrees, their certifications, their masonic handshakes, full of hope and hunger. My experiences have caused mobs of plebs to hound me constantly for my wisdom.
So when asked for interview advice, I usually tell everyone the same thing:
Get the hell out of my office!
That’s right! Bleating goats, that’s all they are. I have enough hopefuls wanting to suckle at my money teat. The last thing I have time for is people who want to follow the social contract and be polite, personable, and qualified. Screw that, I say! If you REALLY want to get ahead in this job market, you need to make a mark.
With great reluctance and more than a little disgust, I am willing to share with you, FOR FREE, the secrets to ramming your way through an interview. Why “for free?”
- Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be yourself. Why would you want to be that? You’re… well… you. Why be someone as feeble as you when you could be Amir Timur the Lame, scourge of central Asia? Do you have an MBA from Harvard? Who gives a shit? If you are 25 years old and have yet to build a massive pyramid out of the skulls of those who oppose you, you have done nothing!
2. Fall upon your interviewers like a hawk on a field mouse! Don’t wait for them to ask questions. When you enter the room, the first question you should ask is, “who in the hell do you think you are?” Possibly followed by, “do you think you’re better than me?” Then it is time to answer these questions with, “no, you are NOT better than me” and “here you are, begging for a new employee and here I am, deciding whether or not your little hellhole is worth me eventually taking over and selling to a drug cartel.”
3. Dress code: there isn’t one. Does a lion worry about what it’s wearing when visiting a gazelle? If you MUST put clothes on, dress to intimidate. Say “yes” to distress! Wear a dominatrix outfit. Or dress in a pinstripe suit and bring a violin case with an M1 Thompson submachine gun inside. Smoke a cigar and blow the smoke in their faces. Establish dominance in any way short of pooping on their desk. Save THAT for the follow-up interview.
4. No references? Make them up and make them impressive! Why reference some hopeless middle-manager who is a poor performance review away from taking “the easy way out?” Why do that when your reference can be someone like Nikolai Tesla or Pennywise the Clown? If they ask for phone numbers or email addresses, stand up, lean in, and ask “are you calling me a liar?” They better not be! Hopefully, they’ll have your pyramid of skulls freshly in mind.
5. You don’t have any qualifying skills? No one at the Executive level does! Business degree? Ha! Do you know what an MBA is? It’s two steps above a dog obedience school completion certificate!
If they demand a list of skills that match the job description, just tell them that they will find out all they need to know after they hire you. It got Trump his job and it will get you yours!
6. When they ask you what your weakness is, tell them that stupid questions are your weakness and they drive you into a rage-induced fugue state where all bets are off and you are no longer legally responsible for your actions. Best of all: this qualifies as a handicap! In fact, you can plug in this answer to any questions they ask you, including “what is your name” and “are you thirsty? Can I get you something to drink?” People are impressed with consistency.
7. They will ask you to sit down at some point, probably at the beginning. DON’T FALL FOR THEIR TRAP! They are trying to establish dominance right away by telling you what to do. Tell them that you prefer to pace back and forth with your hands behind your back. If they insist, they are testing your force of will. YOU WILL PASS THAT TEST! Just stare them down. Then pull out a picture of Timur the Lame, point to it, then point to their skulls. A picture is worth a thousand rambling threats.
Now that you know the secrets to being interviewed, you are a shoe-in. If they don’t hire you, then you didn’t terrify them enough or impose your will into their soft hiring manager brains. Getting a job is as easy as demanding a job.
One day you might be in the seat of a hiring manager (while they are behind their desk sleeping off a concussion*), interviewing some cretin who wants to afford food. When that day comes, remember what tricks you used to put yourself in that position.
If that person does the same tricks that you did, give the secret handshake, hire them on the spot, then do your best to crush their spirit. It is, after all, the pathway to good management!
About the Author: M.D. Ambersaurius is virile and powerful. He insisted I write that. Also, he says, his lawyers are on speed dial to go after anyone who disputes this. He wants to share his LinkedIn as proof of his manliness.
* Yes I know you are not supposed to let your manager sleep after a concussion. But how else is one supposed to get promoted to their position?