Dear Phil – Letters from the Job Front

A couple of months ago, I placed my resume on the open market to see what nibbles. I’ve made some good contacts. But since I haven’t been pursuing this very hard, there hasn’t been much traction.

That is, until Phil contacted me. He’s been sending me automated job alerts. Since some of the jobs he’s recommended have been… well… out of my career path, I have been emailing him back. So far, the conversation has been one-sided.

So far.

Hi John,

I am working with Pro Talent Group to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Front Desk Receptionist – Pro Talent Group – Indianapolis, IN
$15 – $17 hourly (USD) 

Job Summary: This is an Immediate Temp-to-Hire opportunity with a valued client of Pro Talent Group

Position: Front Desk Receptionist

Pay: $15-17/hr.Schedule: Monday-Friday from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm

We are looking for an outgoing and responsible Front Desk Receptionist to manage our front desk on a daily basis and to perform a variety of administrative and clerical tasks. As a Re…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Dear Phil,

Although I appreciate your thinking of me for this position, I am an experienced network administrator specializing in mixed Microsoft networks and Information Security. I probably would not be a good “fit” for this position, even though (once vigorously cleaned up) I bet I would make some pretty sweet eye candy.

On the other hand, my phone courtesy is impeccable. I could water the plants in the lobby while tending to the phones. I could be the nerve center of the whole phony operation! And while the day laborers come and go in their blissful dementia, I could bend the organization to my will! And in place of the Dark Lord you will set up me! And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night! Fair as the Sea and the Sun and the Snow upon the Mountain! Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning! Stronger than the foundations of the earth. All shall love me and despair!

No! I reject temptation! I pass the test. Thanks anyway!

Best regards,

John d’Andriole

Hi John,

I am working with RoadMap Designs LLC to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Systems Administrator I – RoadMap Designs LLC – Kansas City, MO
$35,000 – $40,000 annual (USD) 

Job Description: We are actively pursuing a professional and customer service oriented Systems Administrator, Full Time employee who ideally has at least 1 year of experience assisting in the administration of Window systems as an internal employee (full or part time). Supporting the day to day technical operations of the business and its users. You will be responsible for s…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Hi, Phil:

This is more like it. However, I live in Indiana. The commute from here to Kansas City, MO would be a little prohibitive. I bet it would feel like a long commute, even with the best book on tape ever created.

What book do you think that would be? If you said “The Bible” you’d be very wrong, mister. Sure, it picks up from time to time in late Genesis, Exodus, and Joshua, but then becomes a snooze fest until Judges – during which shiz goes off the rails. Ooops! SPOILERS!

Incidentally, the prophet Samuel always seemed like kind of a dick to me. Is that blasphemous? I hope so!

Anyway, the Samuels are good, but the Kings bog down. I think both Kings were just a cynical cash grab. And don’t get me started on Chronicles. Derivative AF!

Skip the Song of Solomon unless you have a gazelle fetish. In fact, just skip the whole rest of the Old Testament except for Daniel. Daniel gets trippy.

The New Testament gets bogged down as well. Ridiculously lazy storytelling, telling the same story from four slightly different points of view. And man… Paul sure loved to talk about himself.

The whole thing ends in a bang, and a dragon, and a woman of questionable virtue – what is it with the author of this book and women being either virgins or whores?

It’s not a good beach read is what I’m trying to tell you. It’s got a lot of advice in it, but some of the advice is terrible. Don’t follow the step-by-step guide on how to remove mildew from your house. Not unless you want to answer a lot of questions posed by various state-licensed authority figures.

Anyway, I don’t think I can make that commute. Thanks for thinking of me. I’m thinking of you.

Best,

John

Hi John,

I am working with Eye Associates Group LLC to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Optometric Front Desk – Eye Associates Group LLC – Indianapolis, IN

Optometry practice located on the North side is looking for a front desk person. Job duties include checking in and out patients, answering the telephone, scheduling appointments, collecting payments from patients and other various front desk duties. Optometric and insurance experience is preferred, but we will train the right person. Ability to be cross trained in other a…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Hey Phil!

Still thinking that I would make a good front desk receptionist? What is it that you see in me that I don’t? It can’t be the phone courtesy. We’ve never talked on the phone.

I’ve thought about it often enough while drunk, but I don’t know if I want to commit to the kind of lifestyle a front desk receptionist demands. I would have to shave frequently – like a “wolfman trying to disguise his cursed form during a full moon using only an electric razor and depilatory cream” level of frequency.

Also, I would probably have to practice elocution and sit up straight. And be pleasant to people no matter how I felt.

Come to think of it, I have to do all of that crap anyway. Why not do it in front of people?

Question about this job: can I set up a hat in front of the reception desk and demand tips? I could let people tip me for the quality of “hellos” I give to them. Kind of think of it like busking, but using common courtesy instead of a saxophone. I feel like I could earn a lot of extra walking around dough.

Now that you bring up saxophones, Phil, I would like to tell you of my dislike of them. I don’t like them, Phil. Do you want to know why, Phil? Would you like to know why I hate saxophones with the heat of a thousand supernovas, Phil?

No? Rude, Phil, but I respect your boundaries.

Anyway, desk busking. If someone didn’t tip, I would still wish them a pleasant day. I AM a professional. I just wouldn’t mean it. They need to pay me cash to mean it.

Best (I mean it),

John

Hi John,

I am working with Sentry BioPharma Services, Inc. to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Technical Sales Support Specialist – Sentry BioPharma Services, Inc. – Indianapolis, IN

Position Summary: We are a growing pharmaceutical Contract Service Organization (CSO) located in Indianapolis, Indiana, seeking an Technical Sales Support Specialist for a full-time hire opportunity. The position will be responsible for assisting with all inside sales activities, client relationships and administrative duties. Sentry’s service offerings are technical in natu…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Dear Phil,

Sales? You want me to go into sales? I wonder if you’ve been watching “The Simpsons,” counted the number of careers Homer has had, and thought to yourself “why not do that to John?”

I actually think I would be good at sales. Sales is like begging, right? I used to be able to beg my parents to buy me candy. I was so good at it that I got Type II Diabetes. Go me?

I imagine that there is also a good amount of lying involved in sales. I would have no problems exaggerating the properties of something to get it out the door.

I could shoehorn in a joke about once buying a t-shirt that said “one size fits all” that tore when I tried to fit us all into it, but I have standards, Phil. Do you understand standards, Phil? I have them.

Anyway, I must respectfully back away from this opportunity with tears in my eyes, Phil, genuflecting and eventually stumbling over backwards because I wasn’t looking at where I was going. How could I, Phil? It was behind me. Don’t judge, Phil.

Best,

John

Hi John,

I am working with Aston Technologies to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Entry Level Network Engineer – Aston Technologies – Indianapolis, IN
$20 – $40 hourly (USD) 

Job Description: Aston Technologies, Inc. is an IT Solutions and Consulting firm headquartered in St. Louis Park, MN (suburb of Minneapolis) with a west coast office in San Francisco, CA. We are continuously looking for talented individuals with a passion for IT and Computer Science that are eager to start their career in the IT industry. Aston Technologies has been in busi…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Dearest Phil,

I clicked the link and it turns out they want me to move to Minnesota. Why do you want me to move to Minnesota, Phil?

You have been provoking questions in me Phil. You’ve been causing me to doubt my life choices. Should I move to Minnesota? Do you have a special plan for my life? Is there a roadmap to success that begins in St. Louis Park, MN?

I know people in Minnesota. They are lovely people. Frozen over, but lovely. It’s like having a “friendsicle.” I won’t lick them though, Phil. Why do you want me to lick them?

Okay, Phil. I will lick them. Just for you.

So you think I should take this job, move to St. Loius Park, MN, and lick the frozen people there? Is that a viable career path? And will my tongue get stuck to them?

Friendly tip: if you do lick a person and your tongue gets stuck, don’t panic. First, drool over your tongue. The warm saliva will remove your tongue without tearing. Next, marry the person as an apology. It’s the only polite thing to do.

You’re an odd duck, Phil. I like the cut of your jib!

On the other hand, it’s plenty cold in Indiana. Why go asking for trouble.

What is bouncing around in that dome of yours, Phil?

Best,

John

Hi John,

I am working with Messina Group to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Helpdesk Engineer – Messina Group – Evanston, IL
$45,000 – $60,000 annual (USD) 

The Helpdesk Engineer role is responsible for providing day to day helpdesk support to our clients.  This can include such things as assistance with line of business applications, workstation troubleshooting and end user assistance.  This involves common day to day issues such that can involve internet, server, application and infrastructure troubleshooting.  90% of the ti…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

Dear Phil,

I know that to a Californian like you, the “fly over” states are a homogeneous blur of easily forgotten farmland when viewed via a first class airplane window while drinking champagne fermented from the tears of uncultured midwesterners. It’s just a cloud-shrouded expanse – the dull line from point A to point B.

But the reality on the ground (literally) is that there are huge distances between the spare little population centers in the Midwest, where we huddle for warmth and the culture crumbs that fall off of our various coasts.

Evanston, IL is not a quick jot around the corner, Phil. So far, you’ve wanted to send me to Illinois, Minnesota, and Missouri. There is a lot of space down here, Phil. Do you know why it takes six hours to fly from LA to New York City?

I don’t.

I suppose this means you’re going to offer me a job as a pilot. And why not? As a pilot, I would at least be able to travel to the jobs you’ve been offering me.

I am sure that Evanston, IL is the garden center of the midwest. I would not be surprised if the rivers rolled over a bed of diamonds and that all of the people there are fat and happy. I am sure that the town song is “Kumbaya,” the mayor is a fluffy cat named “Stevenson,” and that the poorest person in town drives a new Cadillac.

That’s not the point, Phil. The point, Phil, is that this eden of the midwest, this magical land of candy trees and instant cures for Type II Diabetes is far, far away from me.

Phil, I don’t think I can give you any more energy. I love you, I really do. But I think I need to go look for a job by myself for a while. It’s not you…

No, wait. It’s almost certainly you.

All of my love,

John

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