Writing Advice: Writing About Doing the Er… Thingy…


I would like to talk about writing about putting sex in your novel, but alas I know nothing about sex. I am married.

Just a second…

Okay, I’ve just received an injunction from 20th Century Fox. Apparently the show “Married… With Children” legally locked down all “married/sexless” jokes in perpetuity. You know what that means?

I’ve received my first takedown notice! Please, let it not be the last!

So anyway, you want to write about sex in your novel/short-story/dirty letter? First of all, you sh…


Stop that! You should contextualize it. Does the story need it? Sex can be very necessary in a narrative. Like if you write Romance novels.

Did you know that there are “abstinence” romance novels? Did you know that there is also alcohol-free beer? I think an abstinence romance novel is the equivalent of alcohol-free vodka.


Damn it! What did I… oh yeah, alcohol. You can blow someone up to pieces and still keep your PG rating, but the very second you mention drinking…

Anyway, abstinence romance novels. What’s the point? They should read “My Little Pony – Friendship Is Magic” books if they’re that sensitive. I’m no “brony”, but the series isn’t as wretched as one might think. Not quite my cuppa, but not worth derision either.

Somehow, I included “My Little Pony” in an article about sex writing. I think that automatically puts me on a list somewhere.

Anyway, sex. How you approach it is up to you. However, don’t approach it in a bathroom. Why? A. gross, and B. possible sting operation. It’s not a dignified way to end your career as a Senator.

Some stories don’t need sex at all. For instance, “I Can Read It” books. If you feel that “Go, Dog. Go!” needs a steamy lesbian…


Oh for…

…scene, then perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities. Also, cookbooks. Cookbooks don’t need sex scenes, usually. I don’t know if they’re trending that way. I don’t read them.

Perhaps ten years from now after a recipe on perfitterols an explicit shower encounter will be called for. Anything to get the books sold, right?

So-called “adult” fiction? Sure, again if it helps the story. I will say this: there is nothing like bad sex writing to inspire laughter in every reader. Not the good kind of laughter. The very bad kind. You probably shouldn’t do any kind of appearance if you write a bad sex scene. It will be embarrassing for you.

Young Adult novels are tricky. I mean, they’re still for kids, albeit older kids who have varying degrees of knowledge. My advice is be extremely oblique. Seriously question why you need to portray teens getting it on, then go see a psychologist about it. Nip the problem in the bud.

If you’ve never had sex and aren’t interested in doing so, then go on a lecture tour. The abstinence movement will attend in droves. Sell bracelets. They seem to like those.

Put an acronym on the bracelet. Something like TSTBAT: “Too Smart To Be A Tart.” You can call them “test bat” bracelets, and then giggle to yourself about the phallic symbol you’ve just put in their heads.

To summarize: marriage jokes, abstinence, romance novels, “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic”, bathrooms, “Go, Dog. Go!”, cookbooks, embarrassing writing, teens, abstinence (again), and bracelets. I think I’ve covered everything about sex that can possibly be covered!

And I didn’t even have to mention putting your…