This mind train keeps a-rollin’! Next stop? Here! Please exit carefully! And please remember to bring all of your luggage off of the train! Mind the gap! Refreshments and pole dancing is available in the rear car! Watch your step!
I need to work on my metaphors!
Check out Disposable Fiction – The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part One and Disposable Fiction – The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part Two to be an inch less confused.
The Story So Far…
Chris’ investigation of the McElroy estate was called off by the mysterious and potentially important Bobo, who dropped the important news that Katrina (aka The Rabbit) is still alive before threatening to slap Chris.
In the meantime, the even-more mysterious Tam has some sort of strong attachment to a whip that Amy wants to use in her hunt for the aforementioned Katrina. Robyn intercedes while Angela gets bored. Tam also has creative ideas about what makes up a vacation. I am sure that this will in no way figure into the story and is something mentioned as a mere forgettable detail.
While lunching over a serving of barely-concealed dislike, Amy and Angela are nearly killed by the even-even-more mysteriouser master assassin Trisha (Tirzah Halev), who is a little piqued that people have heard of her since that means she wasn’t as thorough as she wanted to be. Also, apparently a sous chef was involved somehow. Amy got shot in the left leg again, which is seriously going to impede her pageant walk.
Later, she is patched together by the agency doctor Tru, who is so over this shit. Angela has painkiller envy. Amy has a private jet. Tru has no inclination to care about either of these facts.
Whither our steady crew? Is there really any point at all to this, or am I just distracting you while someone else does something sneaky? Read on!
The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part Three
“What can I say?” Sarah asked casually after the massive boom. “Explosions become me. I wear them well.”
She walked out of her booth and proudly surveyed the chaos ahead of her in her workshop. The armored side panel of an M1113 Armored Personnel Carrier had a neat smiley face punched into the side. She removed her goggles, put on her glasses, then ran her fingers through her short brown hair. A slightly manic grin played across her face.
Katrina and Stuart came out from behind the pile of Kevlar vests and bolted down rows of riot shielding. They were coughing and rubbing their ears.
“What was that?!” Stuart yelled.
“What what?” Sarah asked.
“What?!” Stuart yelled.
Sarah nodded. “Just a second,” she yelled, and pulled the sound dampeners out of her ears. “That’s better. What was that, Stuart?”
“I said… hey. Didn’t you wear your dampeners?”
“Oh for…” Sarah mimed pulling dampeners out of her ears and pointed at Stuart and Katrina.
Katrina nodded and pulled hers out. She elbowed Stuart, who turned to Katrina and yelled, “What?!”
Katrina yelled, “didn’t you put in your dampeners?”
Stuart yelled, “I almost had them in when the explosion happened. Is there supposed to be a high-pitched ringing after?”
“Sarah counted down!” Katrina yelled.
“Yeah!” Sarah agreed. “I counted down!”
“Yeah,” Stuart said, “while I was putting stuff in my ears! What was the goddamn hurry?!” He flipped them both off and walked away, opening and closing his mouth while digging in his ear holes with his pinkies.
“That’s amazing, Sarah!” Katrina said. “A shaped charge that will blow a hole in steel according to whatever shape you make. How did you come up with that idea?”
“Easy,” Sarah said. “Happened years ago in grade school. There was a cookie sale. I got in line right away so I could get my chocolate chip on. Waited in line forever, finally got my three cookies, paid the lady, then went on my way.”
“Wait,” Sarah said. “I took a bite. OATMEAL F**KING RAISIN! That woman sold me OATMEAL GODDAMN RAISIN cookies. They were mismatched. The hallway was dark. They look so similar in that light. I went back but since I got ‘my grubby mitts’ all over them, no refund. So I knew… I KNEW… that there must be a reckoning. It took me a year. I even had to strip down my trumpet for valve parts. But in the bake sale the next year that woman LEARNED that you do NOT f**k with a 12 year old girl who wants a friggin’ chocolate chip cookie!”
From the back, Stuart yelled, “I heard what you said and that is pretty f**ked up, Sarah.”
“How long have we been here?” Katrina asked.
“My whole friggin’ life,” Stuart said.
Bullets kicked up around them, some ricocheting on the rocks they hid behind. They were squatting behind the boulders in the middle of Haverwood park. This after a long car chase that neither of them wanted to remember for a very long time.
They had no idea who was shooting at them. At the moment, the person’s name was not their chiefest concern.
“This is idiotic,” Katrina said. “I’m going to talk to him.” She cleared her throat. “Er… whoever you are. Could you please stop shooting? Maybe we can talk about this.”
The firing stopped. “What?”
“Maybe we can talk about this?”
After a few seconds silence, a voice called out, “sure! Step away from the rock where I can see you!”
“You don’t think I’m that stupid, do you?” Katrina yelled.
“It was worth a shot. After the way you were driving, I thought there was a good chance!”
“I’m going to kill him,” Katrina muttered.
Stuart nodded. “Let me try to talk to him.” He yelled, “Okay, passenger here. Yes, she is pretty stupid. Why don’t you talk to me?”
Katrina punched him in the arm.
The voice yelled, “Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool who follows her?”
“Gah,” Katrina growled. “Star Wars fan.”
Stuart nodded. “I have a bad feeling about this.”
“You know,” Stuart yelled, “The police will be here in a few minutes. We don’t have long to wrap this up.”
“I know,” the voice yelled. “I was somewhat hoping you’d be dead by now. I have a lot to do today. I have to go grocery shopping, send some money off to my daughter, tidy the house a little. I mean, according to my planner you should both have been dead seven minutes ago. Why are you messing up my schedule?”
“I’m sure we’re sorry,” Katrina yelled.
“Well you should be! I am packed solid today. If you were supposed to die on Wednesday, this wouldn’t be so much of an issue.”
Stuart yelled, “Sorry we’re jacking up your Tuesday then. Who are you again?”
“Never introduced. My name’s Lyal.”
“I know you who you are, jackass,” Lyal yelled. “I was supposed to kill you eight minutes ago at the latest!”
Katrina whispered, “Is that Lyal The Jackal?”
Stuart shrugged. “Let’s find out…. Hey! Are you Lyal The Jackal?”
A few seconds of silence, then the voice yelled out, “Yes?”
Katrina smiled slightly. “Someone is paying a lot of money to kill us.”
“The Agency?” Stuart asked.
“No, they don’t use contractors.”
“Hey,” Stuart yelled. “Who wants to kill us?”
“Client confidentiality!” Lyal yelled. “I’m not telling. Look, just step out from behind the rock and I’ll make it quick. Less than a second’s pain and we’re all done. It’ll be just like falling asleep!”
Katrina yelled, “I’m not tired!”
“Well,” Lyal yelled. “Have I got a sleeping pill for you!”
Off in the distance, the sounds of police sirens drew closer.
“Well, damn it!” Lyal yelled. “That’s my whole day ruined. Can we reschedule for Wednesday? I have an opening, and shortly afterwards you two will also have openings.”
“Sorry,” yelled Katrina. “Booked solid! Thursday work for you?”
After waiting for a few moments, Stuart and Katrina looked at each other. “Now,” Stuart whispered, and ran over to the rock that the shooting was coming from. No one was there. Katrina came running up afterwards, looked at the rock, and muttered, “nice.”
There, in red Sharpie, was written, “f**k you both. Now I’m late.”
“Are you sure you don’t want us to let you in on what we’re planning,” Katrina asked. “It’s fun!”
Diana shook her head. “No frigging way. You left Stuart out to dry just before your sudden ‘demise.’ I know you’d do the same to me if given the chance.”
“I volunteered to take the fall,” Stuart said. “Playing the long con here.”
“If the long con involves you getting a mark on your rap sheet,” Diana said, “Count me out.”
“It’s gonna make you rich,” Katrina said.
“Look, I’m not going to minimum security prison,” Diana growled. “They still use VHS tapes in there. Also, a friend tells me that their Monopoly set is missing all of its money.”
Katrina shrugged. “Some people just can’t help themselves.”
“I want to know,” a soft feminine voice said.
A woman entered the room. She was immaculate in her black pencil dress, carrying a clipboard. She lazily swished her brown hair off her right collar. “Sounds fun.”
As Stuart whipped around, reaching for his gun, Diana yelled, “hold! Hold! Don’t worry. This is my colleague, Angie.”
Angie smiled and nodded. “I am Diana’s banking liaison. She fences, I launder.”
Katrina smiled brightly. “You moved it?”
Diana nodded and grinned. “It was easy. I mean, for me. For anyone else it would have been impossible.”
Stuart asked, “So you didn’t need to take 20% after all? Just the usual 17%”
Diana laughed. “So naïve.”
Angie said, “I have to ask… did you really work with Sarah?”
Stuart nodded. “Yeah.”
“Crazy, isn’t she?”
“Did she tell you the Oatmeal Raisin cookie story?” Angie asked.
Katrina narrowed her eyes and said, “Yes…”
Angie shrugged. “It’s all bullshit. I think she read that story somewhere. No one becomes a demolitions genius because they didn’t get the right cookie. Besides, Oatmeal Raisin cookies are wonderful.”
“Takes all sorts,” Diana muttered.
Angie shrugged. “I like them. Anyway, the money is spread out and available to you. I have the information you need to grab it. I would like to know what your plans are.”
Katrina smiled brightly. Before she could say anything, Stuart said to Diana, “Do you have any idea why someone would want to kill us?”
“I know why a lot of people would like to kill you,“ Diana said, “You’re going to have to narrow it down.”
“It was Lyal The Jackal.” Stuart said.
“Fuuuuuuuuu,” Diana said. Angie gasped and said, “someone with a huge bankroll wants you DEAD! Did you throw off his schedule?”
Katrina said, “yes.”
“Man,” Angie said. “You guys are screwed.”
Woah! What the hell is going on here?! What the hell is Sarah’s deal? Why do Katrina and Stuart need explosions? And why all the oatmeal raisin cookie hate? Where the hell did Lyal come from? Was he hired by the same people as Trisha? And doesn’t it sound like Lyal is a little overbooked? Are you with me in thinking Lyal needs to do a little self-care? And who is this mysterious Angie? And what about Bill’s love for Steve? And who the hell are they?
Last of all, is there going to be any more of this nonsense? I have NO idea!
NO, WAIT! I DO! PART FOUR IS HERE! EXCITED!