What?! Part FOUR?! What the hell is going on here? The cast of characters keep on a-growing! So far, we have assassins, scientists, more assassins, master thieves, demolition experts, underworld contacts, medics, bankers, and a seriously dead tiger (thought I forgot about that, did you?) Is there any more goodness can I stuff into this burrito of intrigue? I DON’T KNOW!
The Story So Far…
Katrina and Stuart visited their colleague, demolitions genius, and Oatmeal Raisin cookie loather Sarah, who showed them a shaped charge than can punch through armor. She also shared probably the dumbest origin story the have ever heard.
On their way to their next destination, Katrina and Stuart were intercepted by a mysterious assassin which led to a car chase that didn’t reflect well on Katrina. It ended with a gun fight at a public park, then confronting the reality that the assassin, Lyal the Jackal, is seriously overbooked and probably needs to take some “me time.”
They made it to their destination, Diana’s lair. Their stolen goods have been fenced, thanks in no small part to the mysterious Angie, crooked banker (even more so.) They discover that it was Lyal the Jackal who tried to kill them, then expressed even more worry when they found out that their inconsiderate tendency to stay alive is going to inconvenience their potential murderer.
Now what are they going to do? And how are they going to do it? And who are they doing it to? I have no idea at all. Why are you bothering me with all these questions?!
Disposable Fiction – The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part Four
“What the hell was that?!” Angela yelled happily.
“What was what? Which part?” Barbara asked.
“Let’s try both,” Angela said.
“Well, the first part was ‘L’amour Est Un Oiseau Rebelle‘ from Carmen. The second part was me shooting that guy in the chest with a flexible baton round from an AA-12 semi-auto shotgun. Why?”
Angela shrugged. “I just liked the style.” They walked over to the man lying groaning in the alleyway. Barbara nudged him with her open toed black sandal.
Amy limped around the corner. “Doesn’t look like anyone heard,” she said. “Let’s drag him deeper into the alley. We can talk to him in private.”
Barbara and Angela hoisted the man by his shoulders and took him deeper into the alleyway. He groaned. Barbara looked behind her at Amy, who was limping as fast as she could.
“What happened to you?” Barbara asked.
Amy smirked sarcastically. “Common cold.”
“Shot in the leg,” Angela said.
Barbara asked, “what, again?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Amy said.
They dropped the man next to a dumpster. He groaned.
Barbara nodded at him. “He tried to kill me. Rude, huh? Tried to ambush me at my favorite restaurant. I led him here into my trap. I like to keep a weapon close to home. This…” she indicated the AA-12… “Is what I call my ‘shot-fun.’ I keep this one non-lethal for the most part.”
“You were ambushed at a restaurant, huh?” Amy asked. “What a coincidence.”
Barbara hid the shotgun behind the dumpster and knelt in front of the man, who was still barely sensible.
Barbara knelt a little closer and said, “hey… hey you. Mister man. Why would you want to kill me?
He groaned, “gonna snap your…”
“‘The bird you hoped to surprise beats its wings and flies away.‘” Barbara said. “Or in this case, the bird ambushes you in an alleyway with a loaded semi-auto shotgun and knocks your ass down. Who sent you?”
The man shrugged and winced. “Just a job…”
Barbara reached into her purse and brought out a small stick. She flicked her wrist and the stick extended. “This,” she said, “is a twenty-six inch Monadnock expandable baton. I put on the power tip just for you. It is technically non-lethal. You’re gonna kinda wish it wasn’t if you don’t tell me.”
“Dunno,” he said, “Got the job from RonHub.”
Angela asked, “RonHub?”
Amy sighed. “Dark web site for people who stroke it to ‘Soldier of Fortune’ magazine. Probably didn’t know what he was getting into with Barbara. Which… hmmm…”
“Yeah?” Barbara asked.
“Someone tried to kill us in a restaurant, but it was Tirzah Halev in our case.” Angela said.
“Damn! That’s serious,” Barbara sighed. “So why is this loser the one who…”
A bullet pinged against the dumpster in front of them. Angela yelled, “shit!” They turned and looked upwards. Standing on the top of a fire escape five stories up was a familiar redheaded woman holding a rifle.
“Be gentle with my distraction,” Tirzah Halev said. “I lose the deposit if he dies.”
“What the hell, Trisha?” Amy yelled.
Tirzah Halev called out,” How’s the leg, Amy? Sorry about that. If it’s any consolation, I was aiming for the neck.”
“You missed this time, too,” Barbara teased.
“Warning shot,” Tirzah Halev said. “I don’t want to kill you outright! You’re just too much fun!”
Angela snarled, “Just tell us who the goddamn sous chef is!”
“Would you just shut up about the damned tiger?” Bobo demanded.
“You didn’t see what I saw,” Chris said.
“Didn’t see? damn it, I tripped over it.”
“Which means,” Chris said, “that you didn’t see it.”
“Oh for crying… just shut up about the tiger. It died as it lived.”
“On fire with two ancient daggers stuck in its eyes?” Chris asked.
“Living free. Idiot.”
Chris looked confused. “How did it…”
“Shut up,” Bobo explained.
“Both of you shut up,” Lyal said. “I didn’t schedule banter into today’s kidnapping. You’re just stalling.”
“I’m not stalling,” Chris said. “I’m distraught. I have a relative who works at the Humane Society.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Lyal said. “And I have an appointment I have to make in two hours. We have to wrap this up quickly. Show me all the information on ‘The Rabbit’ and I will…er… let you go or something. It feels weird when I say that.”
“What,” Bobo asked. “The bit about letting us go?”
Lyal looked thoughtful. “Yeah, I don’t think I ever put those words together before. ‘Let you go.’ Weird.” He shrugged. “Anyway, yeah. I will let you go if you show me all of the information you have on ‘The Rabbit.'”
“Why would you let us go?” Chris asked.
“If we show you the information, it’s obvious you are going to kill us. I mean, why wouldn’t you?”
“Why won’t you shut up, Chris?” Bobo asked.
“I mean, if I were in an office holding two people hostage and looking for information, I certainly wouldn’t want witnesses.” Chris said.
Bobo muttered, “You’re talking our kidnapper into murdering us.”
“No, I’m not,” Chris explained. “I am merely saying that there is no reason to help him since it’s obvious we’re going to die.”
Lyal shook his head. “I’m not kill crazy maniac, you know? I’m a professional. No one paid me to kill you so I won’t. Unless you throw off my schedule. Then I will kill you in the most inefficient way I can think of. So where is the information about ‘The Rabbit?'”
Chris sighed. “Fine. Over there, by Moose’s computer. Far left corner. The one with three monitors.”
“Finally,” Lyal muttered, then walked over to the computer.
Bobo struggled and whispered, “maybe we can snap these twist ties.”
“I heard that,” Lyal said. “You’re not that far away. Stop squirming. You’re throwing off my schedule.”
A gunshot rang out. The window behind Lyal exploded into shards. He ducked down quickly and returned fire. “Whoever you are, you’re endangering your friends’ lives,” Lyal yelled. “I’ll kill them.”
A voice from another room called out, “I don’t care.”
“I’m going to do it!” Lyal yelled.
“Go for it,” the voice yelled. “Be a superstar!”
“Aw, damn it,” Lyal muttered.
Another shot rang out and the leftmost monitor on the desk exploded. “Shit!” the voice yelled. “Right, I’m going to kill you for that!”
“You’re the one who shot the damn monitor,” Lyal yelled.
“That doesn’t matter! I can’t work with only two monitors!” the voice yelled.
Bobo called out, “Moose? Is that you? What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m flipping oyster burgers for Princess Caroline of Monaco,” Moose called out. “What are you doing?”
“Trying not to pee,” Chris said.
“I’m getting sick of all of your shit,” Lyal yelled.
Moose called out, “I didn’t ask what you’re doing.” He shot at Lyal again.
“That’s it,” Lyal yelled. “One of your friends dies.”
“They’re not my friends,” Moose yelled. “They work in my office. Shoot either one of them. I’ll hire more.”
“Man,” Lyal said. “Your boss is f**ked up.”
“Yeah,” Bobo agreed.
“To hell with it,” Lyal said and shot out the remaining two monitors. He then reloaded and shot the computer.
Moose screamed. “You bastard! All of my World of Warcraft add-ons were on that! I have a raid tonight! Do you know how long it takes to customize a f**king UI?!”
“F**k your raid,” Lyal observed.
A large number of booted footsteps echoed from outside the room.
“Screw this,” Lyal said. “I’m penciling ALL of you f**kers for Friday next. Clear your schedules, you bunch of dicks!” He leaped out of the window.
Moose ran in and sped past Bobo and Chris. He ran to his computer and knelt in front of the crackling ruin.
“Good job,” Chris said, “making him think you didn’t care if he killed us.”
“Yeah,” Moose said, staring forlorn at his computer and monitors. “I really ‘fooled him‘.”
“I saw that,” Bobo said. “You used quote fingers!”
“Oh?” Moose asked. “‘Did I?'”
“I have an idea!” Angela said. They were pinned at the T-junction of two alleyways, hiding behind a dumpster. Bullets kept pinging around them. They were cowering behind the dumpster. “You’re going to like this.”
“Yeah?” Barbara asked.
Angela nodded. “Amy, you hobble out there and draw the fire with your left leg. Barbara, you hide here and encourage Amy. I’ll run around to the side and scale the building.”
Trisha yelled, “I can’t waste my time waiting see what you’re planning down there! Hate to break up the baby shower!”
A round, metal object arced through the air from the roof and dropped next to Amy.
Barbara yelled, “Grenade!” They scrambled in three different directions, gunshots chasing after them.
After a few moments, nothing continued to happen.
“Nice dud!” Barbara yelled.
“Nice… er… noticing!” Trisha yelled back. “That was metal Christmas ornament filled with sand, dumb dumbs!”
“Amy,” Angela called out. “Is your leg okay?”
“Just wondering,” Angela yelled. “I’ve placed a bet placed with Tru.”
“Found it!” Trisha yelled. “I have a real one this time. Look out!”
They watched as a black canister flew from over the roof edge and landed by where they were. Barbara yelled, “Missed ag….AAAAAAAA!”
A huge flash and bang lit up the area. Amy, Angela, and Barbara clutched their ears and shut their eyes. “Mmmmmfhhf if mummfff,” Angela apparently yelled.
Amy felt gravel kick up next to her left leg. A bullet nearly hit it. As the tinnitus whine drew away, she heard cussing coming from far above her. “How could I miss?” Trisha yelled.
Amy drew her gun and rolled on her back, shooting upwards. “Eeep!” Trisha yelled as she ducked behind the ledge of the roof. Brick dust kicked up from the bullets Amy shot. The particles came back down on Amy. She covered her eyes with her forearms to keep the particles away.
“Hey!” Trisha yelled. “You almost hit me! Careful there, hopalong!”
Angela and Barbara laughed.
“What in the what?!” Trisha yelled. Then she screamed. Three shots rang out, followed a loud snap and the sound of something falling into a dumpster.
“Er… Trisha?” Amy yelled. “You okay?”
“Hold your fire,” someone yelled.
Tam peaked over the edge and threw down the whip, which landed next to Amy. “It’s all yours if you can figure out how to clean the blood off of the metal splinters,” Tam yelled.
Well I’ll be swizzled! Another agent named Barbara has shown up! And there are Amy and Angela! And hey! There’s Trisha! How much is the deposit on a patsy?
Lyal seems serious about finding out about ‘The Rabbit.’ Why? And is his schedule so tight that he has to book a revenge killing over a week away? And why can’t Chris stop thinking about that stupid tiger? And what about Moose’s raid? Will his guild be gutted? And is he their main tank?
What happened to Trisha at the end? Is she Schrödinger’s Assassin, alive AND dead until we look in the dumpster? Why does she hate Amy’s left leg so much? And who is the sous chef? Last of all, why is Tam back so soon from vacation?
All these questions and less may or may not be addressed in the next installment, which WILL be happening whether you want it to or not!
Holy crap on a corn dog! It’s HERE! PART FIVE!