Part FIVE?! Will no one stop me?! Someone call The Hague! An international crime is occurring. Okay, I’ve stopped.
No! Wait! I’ve begun again! Part FIVE of this fascinating tale begins…. NOWISH!
The Story So Far…
Angela and Amy met the somewhat mysterious-ish Barbara, who ambushed and pummeled some hapless schmo from the Internet. Trisha showed up and all hell broke loose! Plus, Trisha is playing that whole “sous chef” thing REALLY close to her chest.
In the meantime, Bobo and Chris were being held hostage by the terribly overbooked Lyal, who was looking for information about Katrina, AKA The Rabbit. After a brief, frustrating conversation where Lyal felt a little affronted by the insinuation that he was the unethical kind of murderer, his whole mission was scotched by the arrival of Moose, who gave zero f**ks about his co-workers and a LOT of f**ks about his World of Warcraft raid.
The gunfight featuring Amy, Angela, and Barbara on one side versus Trisha on the other continued through the alleyways, with Trisha acting all hyper and weird as usual. Suddenly, the game is called on account of Tam, who wants to make Amy clean her whip.
Whither the story? What the hell is going on? Is there enough drink in the world for this to make an iota of sense? Is there a plot or is it like life, where things just seem to happen and then it ends? Let’s find out!
Disposable Fiction – The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part Five – LUDICROUS!
“This is ludicrous,” Tam said.
Barbara called out, “What’s going on up there?”
“She’s gone!” Tam yelled.
“That assassin woman who was whooping your asses.” Tam yelled.
“I disagree with your interpretation of the scenario here,” Angela said.
“Wait…Trisha is gone?” Amy called out.
Tam shrugged. “Don’t know her name. I just know I chased her off the roof, she fell three stories, and there isn’t a crumpled, barely alive body where there should be.”
Barbara, Amy, and Angela looked at each other, then ran around the corner. Midway along the building was an open dumpster.
“How many damn dumpsters are in this area?” Angela asked no one in particular. “Is this the place where they dump dumpters?”
They ran up to the open dumpster and looked inside. The trash inside was squished by some kind of impact, but no one was in there.
“What’s this?” Amy asked, looking at the dumpster itself.
On the front of the dumpster was a sticker. It depicted a huge pink heart surrounded by white lace. There were smoking bullet holes in the heart. In bold, black cursive letters was the sentence, “Trisha says: BEHIND YOU!”
They swiveled quickly, drawing their weapons. Amy unfurled her whip.
On the far wall was another sticker. It depicted a .357 magnum, barrel pointed to them. Under the gun, in bold pink cursive, was the phrase, “MADE YOU LOOK!”
“That woman is crazy,” Barbara muttered.
“That woman is infuriating,” Amy growled.
Angela mused, “why is she trying to kill us? She’s for hire. It’s not personal. Except for your leg, Amy.”
“What are you idiots whispering about,” Tam called out from the roof. “Oh! Hey. Is that you, Barbara?”
“No,” Barbara called out. “It is I! Princess Caroline of Monaco!”
“Excellent!” Tam yelled. “You owe me money, your highness! On my way down.”
Amy turned to Angela. “So someone hired her to kill us? Who?”
Angela shrugged, “a lot of people, I bet. Governments, independent concerns, drug lords…”
Amy added, “Scientologists…”
“… the Screen Actors Guild,” Barbara said.
“Anyway,” Angela said, “Someone wants us very, very dead. Someone with deep pockets.”
“I think I know who,” Amy said. “Someone suddenly flush with cash… from a recent robbery.”
Angela gasped. “You mean The Rabbit?”
Tam ran up to Barbara. “I want my fifteen dollars and seventy-three cents now. I’ll either take cash or pull it out of you the hard way.”
“This is ludicrous,” Katrina yelled.
“This guy is relentless!” Stuart yelled over the gunfire.
“Yes, I am!” Lyal agreed from across the abandoned factory floor.
They were hiding behind a large piece of machinery in an abandoned factory close to the docks. Katrina hid some of her valuables here. Apparently Lyal knew about the cache and was waiting for them.
“How much money is someone paying you?” Katrina called out. “We’ll double it!”
“That,” Lyal yelled, “Is a professionally and personally hurtful thing to say!”
“What?” Katrina asked.
Stuart said, “his feelings are hurt from us offering him money.”
“It’s not that,” Lyal yelled. “It’s about integrity! Once I take a job, it is up to me to remain dedicated to the terms of the contract until I have fulfilled the requirements. To suggest that I would ditch my responsibility for something as filthy as luchre is an insult to my character!”
“I am sorry,” Katrina yelled, “that my offer of money cast a negative light on your career as a hired murderer.”
“I think of it more along the lines of being an independent contractor in a hazardous work environment.” Lyal yelled.
“Pot-AY-to, Po-TAH-to.” Katrina yelled.
Lyal yelled, “This from the woman who kills an endangered animal!” Then he shot at a metal strut behind them to see if it would ricochet. It didn’t.
“The tiger was going to eat me. I had to kill it!”
“What’s worse,” Lyal yelled, “Was that you killed it for free.”
“You have a messed up sensibility!” Stuart yelled, then fired over the barricade because it felt like it was something he should do.
Lyal shrugged. “Probably. It’s an occupational hazard!”
The shooting stopped.
“Are you reloading?” Stuart asked.
“Maybe,” Lyal said. “What about you?”
“You think I’m telling you?!”
“Worth a shot,” Lyal yelled.
“I’m sure that none of us have an unlimited supply of bullets,” Lyal yelled. “I have places to be and this is taking longer than expected. Could you please just come out, I kill you, and then we can get on for the rest of the day?”
“Does that EVER work? Has anyone EVER done that?” Katrina asked.
“Worth a shot,” Lyal yelled.
“This is stupid,” Stuart sighed.
“You’re telling me!” Lyal yelled.
“How can you hear us?” Katrina asked.
“The acoustics in this place are freaky weird,” Lyal said. “It’s like I am right next to you guys. Why don’t you move around a little. I want to see if I can still hear you.”
“What, am I playing ‘science fair’ with my potential murderer?” Stuart yelled.
“Come on,” Lyal yelled. “Where’s your intellectual and scientific curiosity?”
“At the moment,” Katrina yelled, “We’re a little more interested in ballistics.”
“Perfect!” Lyal yelled. “Keep talking just like that! I am figuring out the soundscape here!”
“Just like what?” Stuart yelled. “What are you talking about? Why are you suddenly interested in the acoustics in this damned place? Screw that… who wants us THIS dead? I mean, besides you because we made you late for an appointment?”
“Yeah,” Katrina yelled out. “Who is paying to kill us? Can you at least tell us that?”
They heard a gun click close by.
“Wow,” said Lyal, crouching behind them and holding his Glock. He grinned. “I can hear you even better over here!”
“This is ludicrous,” Tru said angrily. “I told you to stay off of that leg.”
Amy lay on the gurney and nodded. “That’s right. You did say that.”
“And instead you hobbled your way into a firefight.”
Amy nodded again.
“You were supposed to stay off of your leg for three weeks.” Tru said.
“I had errands to run.”
“Keep this up and you’ll never do any running again. You might get to pop a wheelie or two, though.”
Tru unwrapped the bandage around Amy’s left thigh and winced. “I’ve seen worse, but only on cadavers.”
David walked over and peeked over Tru’s shoulder. “Looking nasty there, Amy.”
Tru nodded. “David, could you please get me those bandages over there?”
“Yeah, yeah…” David said. “You sure you don’t want to help me out in a more technical way? I mean, I have extensive field training as a medic. I’ve worked on these types of wounds before.”
“Which is why I am asking you to get the bandages.”
David sighed. “Oh for… this is so below my pay grade. I can speak fifteen freaking languages.”
Tru looked at David angrily. “Oh? How do you say, ‘I’m going to get those bandages now’ in Polish?”
“Pierdol się, dziwko!’”
“Super! Now get ‘em before you piss me off,” Tru said. “Back home I woulda’ shot you and tipped the sheriff twenty bucks for your lip.”
David stormed off.
“Don’t mind him,” Tru said. “He’s always banging on about his qualifications. Keeps saying he’s going to go to HR about it or something….
“Anyway, Amy,” Tru sighed. “Dear, dedicated, brilliant Amy. If you keep running around on this leg without your crutches, I am going to shoot your leg out myself.”
“Oh?” Amy asked dryly. “And win your bet with Angela?”
Tru laughed. “I bet on you to NOT get hit if that is any condolence. But that won’t stop me from putting a pill into your thigh.”
“Not your bullet department,” Amy said. “You are withdrawals, I am deposits.”
Tru rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine. Since this is the case, Robyn sent along a toy with a special message to me. Let’s see…” She pulled out a beautiful card with an expertly-drawn rose on the front. “It reads, ‘Dear Tru: give this to Amy in case she decides to be a dipshit about things and wants to play secret agent girl on a bad leg. XOXO Robyn.'”
“It does not say that!” Amy yelled, and grabbed the card. She read and frowned. “I see you cleaned up the language a little,” Amy said. “So what is it?”
As Tru walked over to a cart with a tarp over it, she yelled out, “Where’s my bandage?! And coffee! Stat!”
In the background, David yelled, “Chystám vás všechny vraždit!”
“You better!” Tru yelled and wheeled the cart over to Amy, who was sitting up in the gurney.
“From Robyn, with the splenda version of love,” Tru said, and pulled back the tarp.
“OoooOOOO!!!” Amy cried.
Holy cats and kittens! What now?! More mayhem from Trisha? She survived a three story fall AND still had time to taunt our heroines with applicables? And what did Barbara spend her borrowed fifteen dollars and seventy three cents on? Oh, and maybe Katrina and Stuart are paying to kill them blah blah blah…
Lyle is back and he doesn’t seem as fussed about his schedule this time, so maybe he’s getting better at time management. Where did he get his weird notions about ethics? Oh, and Katrina and Stuart might be dead blah blah blah…
Why is Tru perpetually grumpy? Why is David so mistreated at work? Could Tru REALLY shoot someone and slide the sheriff a little bit of pocket change to forget the deed? What hellish corner of the world does she hail from where murder (or at the very least manslaughter) could be hushed up over the cost of a meal at Applebee’s? (Answer: Oklahoma) And what mysterious gift did Amy get? Was it a stapler?
I bet it was a stapler.
I’ll also bet the next installation answers at least HALF of one of these questions! Maybe even more!
NOTE: In preparation for next time, read up on the invention of the stapler. By the way, the next time happens… NOW! PART SIX AHOY!