Well, despite all of my best endeavors, PART EIGHT has happened. I know that you and I had that talk and we thought we were of an accord on this. But things happen, life intervenes, people change over time, folks fall into pits, governments ascend and descend, and zoological signs proceed slowly across the sky in a twenty-five thousand year cycle and next thing you know a Pisces is a Gemini.
All I am saying is although we didn’t anticipate it, PART EIGHT is here and we’re going to have to deal with it – meaning PLEASE ENJOY! And afterwards, please send PART ONE, PART TWO, PART THREE, PART FOUR, PART FIVE, PART SIX, and PART SEVEN some love!
The Story So Far…
Angela discovered that walking away slowly from a large explosion works great so long as the explosion is projected from a blue screen and is not actually there. Trisha ambushed Amy and Angela at a construction site, where many explosions ensued. There, Trisha told them that Katrina and Stuart were paying her to kill them! Oh no!
Angie unmasked herself as a spy because her need to see what was in Diana’s underwear drawer was overwhelming. She saw and she will never be the same! Diana discovered that Angie was working with Lyal and trying to get information about Katrina and Stuart so Lyal could ambush them. Next stop: Sarah’s Lair!
In the meantime, Dane, Bobo, Moose, and Chris were in the office. Chris discovered irregularities in HR and David came by to make things more irregular. Somehow, Chris also insulted the Internet and it’s porn-based existence and has yet to apologize to the Internet’s face.
That is the damage so far! What is going to happen next?! You know, if you just read on instead of asking me these silly questions, you’d know. You’re just delaying your own gratification.
Disposable Fiction – The Rabbit’s Last Stand: Part Eight
The explosions were delicious. So were the cakes and the punch. They were now in the explosions.
“Explosion turducken!” Stuart yelled.
Katrina was too busy diving behind the tables to notice Stuart’s glee. The wedding guests were fleeing from the church. “Is this day never going to end,” Katrina whined behind a foldout table.
“Give me back my planner!” Lyal yelled. Another explosion lit up the narthex, showering the area with plaster particles. Part of the ceiling caved in.
“Damn,” Stuart yelled, “They don’t make churches like they used to!”
“Stuart, get down you idiot!” Katrina yelled.
“Sorry, it’s just I am unimpressed with the shoddy workmanship.”
“I mean, it’s obvious they opted for opulence rather than function and quality. The whole thing is a facade giving the impression of stability and craftsmanship, but the whole thing is an illusion!”
Katrina yelled, “damn it! Would you get down?!”
“Just a second,” Stuart yelled. “I am having an epiphany here!”
Another hand grenade explosion blew up the front of the lectern.
“Just as I thought,” Stuart yelled. “They might as well have made that lectern out of particle board!”
“What the hell, Stuart,” Katrina yelled. “Get down!”
“What, did they buy this church from IKEA?”
“Give me my planner, you collection of assholes!” Lyal screamed. A grenade landed by and blew up the altar. The golden plate and jug flew across the room and landed heavily on the pews at the far end of the church.
“Well, at least they spent something on the dishware!” Stuart yelled. He ran over to Katrina and ducked down. “Some day, huh? Do you still have that Sharpee I gave you when I drove?”
“Gimme it now, you bag of dicks!” Lyal screamed furiously.
“Here you go,” Katrina said. “If I had any clue as to where he was I’d shoot at him.”
“Donkey Kong,” Stuart said.
“He’s up high. Probably up by the pipe organ. Like how the gorilla could cascade barrels down the area. At least he’s trying not to hit us.”
Another explosion rattled the stained glass window back towards the altar.
Stuart nodded sagely. “See? We have the planner and he doesn’t want to blow it up. We should give it to him.”
Katrina’s mouth dropped open. “But it’s the only thing keeping us…”
“Not for long,” Stuart interrupted. “Hey! Lyal!” He called out.
“The only thing I want to hear,” Lyal yelled, “Is ‘here is your planner, it is time for me to die!'”
“Meet halfway?” Stuart asked. “Here is your planner. Just give us a minute to get away!”
“Okay fine. Throw it first.”
“Nuh uh,” Katrina yelled. “You’ll blow us up.”
“Never!” Lyal protested.
“Feh,” Katrina said. “We start running, throw it behind us, and then you can collect it.”
“Fine,” Lyal yelled.
Stuart and Katrina stood up, threw the planner into the rubble at the altar, and ran as fast as they could. An explosion followed them out.
“Run faster,” Stuart kindly suggested as he pulled ahead. “It’ll only be so long before he finds out.”
“What,” Katrina asked, putting all her strength into sprinting.
Stuart held up his black Sharpee then threw it behind him as he ran. “I redacted his planner.”
All they knew was that Trisha got away. Again.
“Crap, that woman is as slippery as a… er…” Angela paused.
They sat down across from the street of the ruined construction site. It was pitted with explosion divots, rebar and chunks of concrete strewn across the area. They were sitting against the dark brick wall of a private school on the far side, backs towards the scene of Trisha’s latest rampage, listening to the wah-wah siren cry of of the police speeding towards the site.
“Slippery as a what?” Amy asked.
Amy smiled wryly. “Go on?”
“Shit, woman, give me some time to quip.”
“We can’t just sit around while you…”
“Fine,” Angela yelled. “Slippery as a slippery thing. That’s all I have.”
Amy shook her head. “Pathetic.”
Angela narrowed her eyes at Amy. “Your new leg cast doesn’t make the rest of you bulletproof.”
“New leg cast?” Amy asked incredulously. “‘Leg cast?’ You’re calling this awesome piece of engineering a ‘leg cast’?” She shook her head sadly. “It is sad how you don’t appreciate fine art.” She theatrically pointed to her leg.
It was encased in what looked like deep gray scalloped armor. The whole of the leg down to the ankle was covered. At the side of the knees were two blinking blue lights. “My left leg is stronger than it ever was! I am the freaking bionic woman here!” Amy crowed.
Angela grinned. “Yeah, it was kind of funny watching you run unevenly while panicking from the explosions.”
“I wonder,” Amy smiled, “how funny it’ll be to see how far I can shove this ‘leg cast’ up your ass?”
“Wow, Amy,” Angela said, “You’ve really changed since you got that whip.”
Amy nodded. “Damn right I have.”
Angela sighed. The police sirens drew closer. “So what are we going to do about Katrina?”
Amy grinned wolfishly.
Angela looked at Amy, then shrugged. “Do you really think Katrina paid Trisha to kill us?”
Amy looked thoughtful. “It kind of makes sense. But it makes no sense. She’s not a killer. She’s a thief.”
“She might be desperate,” Angela said. “I mean, she was supposed to be dead, she’s not, and we’re after her. She paid for the best.”
Amy looked at Angela. “Did she?”
“Well, yeah… Trisha is one of the best out there.”
Amy nodded. “Yes, that’s true. What little information there is out there about her confirms Trisha is one of the best.”
“So why are we still alive?” Amy asked.
Angela’s eyebrows raised. “You complaining?”
“No,” Amy said. “Contemplating. Trisha is a complete maniac. I mean, she has no problems blowing up public places or shooting in a crowded area.”
Angela nodded, “Yeah, but there’s precision in that. She uses explosions to drive her target into a kill zone…”
“…which we have yet to run into,” Amy added. “Instead, she nearly kills us but there are all sorts of near misses. I mean, you and me… we’re good at what we do. But it only takes one bullet to stop us. I get the feeling that Trisha isn’t trying to kill us.”
Angela laughed. “She’s been trying her damndest to kill us.”
Amy shook her head. “I don’t get the impression that Trisha has to try too many times to do that. She’s been putting us in escapable situations. I mean, BARELY escapable situations, but escapable.”
Angela’s brows furrowed. “But that makes no sense. You don’t blow however much money it costs to purchase one of the best killers out there and tell them to NOT kill someone.”
“You do if you want those people to think they are a target for assassination.”
Angela shook her head. “But what is the point of that? Why would Katrina blow her money on that?”
Barbara hopped over the brick wall. Amy and Angela were so exhausted that they barely flinched. “Why would she indeed?” Barbara asked. She walked up to Angela and Amy and looked over them.
“Nice leg,” Barbara smiled.
“Thanks!” Angela said.
Barbara nodded to Amy. “You too.”
“Pull up some grass,” Angela said. “Where were you for the last couple of days?”
“Helping out a mutual friend,” Barbara said. “Darlene had an issue with a couple of assassins. I toyed with the incompetent one while she dealt with the real threat.”
Angela was surprised. “Someone thought to mess with Darlene?” She laughed. “Where did you help scatter the pieces.”
Barbara smiled. “Hither and yon.”
“Wait,” Amy said. “Someone was hired to kill Darlene?”
Barbara nodded. “Someone is coming after all of us. Of the two people trying to kill Darlene, one definitely couldn’t talk about who hired them by the time Darlene was through with them, and the other only had contact with someone with the initials ‘H.R.'”
Amy and Angela thought. “I don’t know anyone with the initials ‘H.R.'” Angela said.
“Me neither,” Amy said.
Angela said, “Katrina sure is throwing a lot of money around. Why would she blow all that money to get top assassins to chase us around and place us in a series of difficult yet escapable situations.”
“Wait,” Barbara said. “So someone told you that Katrina is paying people to kill you?”
“Trisha said that,” Angela said.
Barbara’s brows knit. She said, “Of the two I just dealt with, one was definitely serious about taking out Darlene. The other wasn’t capable enough to use the elevator by himself. I do know this: if Trisha is really missing you, she’s being paid to do exactly what she is doing. She is not the kind of person who misses very often.”
Amy and Angela nodded.
“I wonder why Katrina would say that,” Barbara said.
Amy and Angela looked at each other.
Barbara asked, “what if she were paid to do that too. Tell you who hired her?”
Angela frowned. “But why would Katrina pay an assassin to hound us and then tell us that Katrina is the one who hired her? Katrina is a planner. What do you think the plan could be?”
Barbara shrugged. “She could be wanting to distract you from whatever she has planned by keeping us all running around and guessing.”
“Or,” Amy said, “Katrina didn’t pay her at all.”
A huge percussive WHUMP came from the construction site. Amy, Angela, and Barbara peeked over the wall. There were a large number of police cars and fire trucks in the area.
“What can you see?” Amy asked.
“The smoking remains of a demolitions robot,” Barbara said. “Looks like Trisha left an unwrapped present for you back there.”
They saw the police spread out.
“Time to go,” Amy said.
When Angie came to, she was tied in an old office chair with the wheels removed. She groggily looked around. It was some kind of warehouse with a large number of stacked sandbags around her. She heard some delicate giggling.
She looked around and saw Sarah laying down some shaped mines and intricate patterns of gunpowder in a circle around her.
“I want you know,” Angie said, “That what you are doing is completely pointless.” She nodded at tribal design of gunpowder being set up by a giggling Sarah. “I will tell you absolutely everything you want to know.”
Sarah stopped setting the explosives and brushed a strand of hair out of her left eye over her glasses. “Do what now?”
“I said you don’t need to do all of this. I’ll talk,” Angie said.
“Anything you ask me. Why I work with Lyal, who we are working for, who the mastermind of all of this is, anything.”
“Anything?” Sarah asked. Angie nodded.
Sarah looked away thoughtfully, then glanced back at Angie and said, “whatevs.” She continued setting the charges.
Angie struggled. The knots were tight. The knot on the back of her head where Diana rendered her unconscious felt tight as well.
“Where’s Diana?” Angie asked.
“Oh, she left. Said she’d be right back. Had to go ‘hide some stuff’ or whatever.”
Angie nodded. “I would too. Have you ever looked in Diana’s panty drawer?”
“Ew!” Sarah yelled. “Why would I?”
“You’ll learn some things about life,” Angie said. “So… how about you stop whatever intricate ‘blowing Angie up’ trap you’re assembling around me and ask me whatever you want to know?”
Sarah shrugged and said, “Okay.” She put down the opened roman candle she was emptying and said cross-legged across from Angie, outside of the circle of explosives. She smiled at Angie and shrugged.
“So…” Angie said. “What can I tell you?”
Sarah nodded. “Okay, why am I attracted to the bad boys?”
“What are you what?”
“So like, Star Wars for instance. My mom was all about Han Solo. Han, Han, Han. That was her jam when she was a kid. But when she showed the movie to me thinking it’d be all generational, I was all like ‘shut up, who is this Lord Vader guy?’ But when the prequels came out, mom thought I was going to be all over Anakin but I was like ‘he’s a whiny little dick, who’s that Darth Maul guy?’ Or ‘who’s that Count Dooku guy?’ Then at the end, it all hit me: ‘who’s that ‘Palpetine’ guy?’ I mean those movies are kind of dumb anyway, but still…”
“And then, like Gaston from ‘Beauty and the Beast.’ Rrrowr! He’s hot. ‘Loki’ of course, but that’s a no-brainer. Guys like that. But like, bad bad. Not ‘oooo my name’s Tony and I’m a goth oooo sooooo cool’ bad. I mean, unfiltered Camels? You’re not bad, you’re just an annoying douche.”
“Like, you know. I mean a guy that’s driven. A guy with a plan. Or a girl. Maleficent from Sleepy Beauty is pretty h-a-w-t. So what gives?” Sarah asked.
Angie stared at Sarah, slack-jawed.
“Of course,” Sarah added, “I am a career girl.” She patted the claymore mine on her lap. “No one is coming between me and sweetie here.”
Angie sighed. “Oooookay, pass. Anything else you want to know?”
“Sure,” Sarah nodded enthusiastically. “Why do people say stupid stuff before they kiss? You ever notice that? Like, kissing someone has nothing to do with what they were talking about. It’s not like the movies. It’s more like ‘oh man my ass itches MWAH!'”
“Please tell me she’s still alive,” Diana called out from the far end of the warehouse.
“Oh thank God you’re here!” Angie said. “Could you please tell her to blow me up already?”
“Rude!” Sarah protested.
“Shut up, Angie,” Diana reasoned. “I see you have been busy, Sarah.”
She nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! I watched that ‘OK Go’ video with the Rube Goldberg machine and decided I wanted to do that with explosives… and ONLY explosives.”
“And what does Angie have to do with this?”
“Oh,” Sarah shrugged. “You kind of dropped her off with me without saying much so I thought you were donating her to my art project.”
“Um…” Angie said. “An art project that you expl…”
“Art is ephemeral,” Sarah said. “But all great works of art have one thing in common.”
“Oh?” Angie asked.
Sarah nodded sagely. “Yep. You can blow them up.”
What the hell is going on?! Did Stuart really just neutralize Lyal by blanking out his planner with a Sharpee? Did they really interrupt a wedding? Do you think that couple that were going to get married will be able to reschedule or at least get their money back on their deposit? And does an explosives fight in a church count as an “act of God” for insurance purposes?
And what do you make of Amy, Angela, and Barbara’s conversation at the private school? Did Katrina really use her awesome-gotten gains to pay an assassin to pester them? And why isn’t school in session? What day of the week is it? WHAT YEAR?!
What art project could Sarah possibly be working on? Does she have a grant? Is this performance art? Is she going to charge tickets for people to watch her blow up Angie? And are there any great works of art that Sarah is willing to test her theory about great art upon? And where is everyone getting all this heavy ordinance?!
All of this and less in the next installment of THE RABBIT’S LAST STAND!