People come up to me and say “M.D….” and then my security team smashes them into a wall, because people should be seen and only heard shrieking in agony after trying to talk to me. But I know in every case what they want to say to me:
“M.D., what do you think about this terrible Millennial problem we have in this nation?”
By now, everyone has heard about how Millennials are the worst. Every one of them wants a trophy they didn’t buy, they all want to be told how “special” they are, they want “jobs,” to be able to “eat,” “not be homeless,” and other ridiculous entitlements.
Why can’t they starve in mopey silence like my Gen X wage slaves?
Millennials are, indeed, the worst. If they didn’t want to be in debt, why didn’t they choose to be millionaires? I made my first fifty million by the time I was 18 (thanks to an uncle with no children and an extreme lifestyle!)
The problem is that thanks to blogs, tumblr, grindr, megaphones, the telegraph, or whatever kids are using these days, they can make a real pest of themselves without burning calories.
It’s not like the good old days when you could crush the spirit of a worker until their softest bleats wouldn’t drown out a mouse’s cough and no one would give a tinker’s damn. Their co-workers would look away from that laudable example and press the drill harder, accidental holes in their legs be damned!
I would like to quote a new report from “The Bureau of Time Mismanagement,” a think tank I created with The Rand Corporation, United Fruit, the Council of Modern Druids, and the Five Sided Order of the Silven Octohedron:
Millennials, merely by showing up to work, are responsible for more white collar deaths at work than staples, sharp pencils, paper cuts, and heroin combined!
The science is clear – hiring millennials is deadly!
Here are some more statistics for you!
- 37% of ALL Millennials exhibit some form of lycanthropy
- Millennials are responsible for every dirigible accident since 1985
- There is a correspondence between Millennial population density and major earthquake zones. Coincidence?
- The existence of Millennials has coincided with a huge up spike in “climate change.” Coincidence?
- If you take the word “Millennial,” shift around some letters, add and remove some others, you can spell the words “date rape.” Coincidence?
- The increase of Millennials in the workforce has coincided with an increase in bear-related office deaths. Coincidence?
Let THAT sink into your porous dome, you addle-pated lunkheads.
“But M.D.,” you may gag while my bodyguard collapses your trachea with his forearm. “Isn’t this just the same inter-generational bitching that has been going on since the beginning of recorded history?”
As you pass out, I will assure you: “you’re an idiot.” Millennials are ruining basic American staples like discrimination, sexual harassment, bullying, and even forcing people into a gender identity they don’t want! How can I possibly sexually harass my secretary if she thinks he’s a man? How are my wage drones going to possibly feel illusory superiority to ANYONE if they can’t mock people for how they walk, talk, or want to live?
Without that illusory superiority over “different” people, they might wake up and start a riot. And although my “worker’s unite” defense system is completed, running, and thirsty for blood, a massive riot against the rich who feed on their exhaustion would REALLY hinder my golfing.
Millennials don’t realize that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG way to live, and the RIGHT way is whatever I say and think.
And until they get with the program and learn how to despise the generation after them, Millennials will be the worst plague to have ever hit the world!
About the Author: M.D. Ambersaurius is the greatest generation! Everyone else has been measured and been found wanting. He wants to share his LinkedIn because he is a generous Lord.