“What Fresh Madness Are You Proposing Now?” More Letters to Phil

Oh, Phil. Eternally enticing me with new career options.

I kind of imagine him as a perky red-headed man with a nice smile and a “means well” demeanor. More realistically, he probably looks like this:

Colossus.jpg
A baby picture of Phil

I hadn’t heard from him for a week or two so I thought that was the last of that. It turns out that Phil was just holding back, ready to unleash opportunity after opportunity, undoubtedly feeling that persistence would weaken me via erosion.

So late at night a couple of days ago, everything was coming up Phil! And if there is one thing I gleaned from his sudden burst of interest, it is that Phil has been drinking.

5.jpgHi John,

I am working with Talent Solutions Group Inc to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

EDI Analyst – Talent Solutions Group Inc – Indianapolis, IN
$35 – $50 annual (USD) 

We are seeking an EDI Analyst for a contract to hire opportunity! Our client is expanding rapidly and needs people with EDI and Amazon experience to start ASAP. This is an excellent opportunity to get involved with one of the fastest growing distribution centers in the US. You will analyze data processing problems to improve computer systems. The EDI project manager will n…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate


img_6182.jpgDear Phil,

GOOD GOD, MAN! What happened?! Last I heard, you were carried off by wolverines into the deadly, mysterious Serra do Mar mountains of Northern Canada. never to be heard of again! I assumed this was you brushing me off since the letter I received came from you and was postmarked from Las Vegas, Nevada. If I recall correctly, the letter read:

“Hi John,

I would be working with Indianapolis Power and Light to help fill an open role for battery tester (bring your own tongue), but alas! I have been carried off by wolverines into the deadly, mysterious Serra do Mar mountains of Northern Canada! You will never hear from me again!

Come on, sevens! Daddy needs a new three-way!

Regards,

Phil”

This caused me a lot of worries, particularly about your knowledge regarding geography. The Serra do Mar mountains are in southeastern Brazil, Phil. The closest they’ve ever come to seeing a wolverine is if some thrill-seeking hiker accidentally dropped their copy of “X-Men 3” out of their backpack while mountain climbing.

This further caused me worry. Why did the thrill-seeker bring their copy of “X-Men 3” – easily the worst X-Men film – with them to the inaccessible reaches of the Earth? Was it a cursed copy? Did they have to leave it at the peak of Serra Negra to finally break the curse and be free?

Why are you hanging around these people, Phil?

What I am saying is that a simple “I am not going to look for jobs for you anymore” would have sufficed. If you were looking to save my feelings, you needn’t have bothered, Phil.

Being dragged off by wolverines into a geographically improbable mountain chain would explain why you think I could live on $35 – $50 per year. I am fairly certain that $35 – $50 would get you sitting pretty in the far-flung wilderness cage that is the Serra do Mar mountains. I feel confident in assuming that the “dollars-to-chewed animal corpses” exchange rate is remarkably high.

The problem is that I am not in the Serra do Mar mountains, am I Phil? You would know because you’d see me, wouldn’t you, Phil? Look around you in your leafy altitudinal glade, Phil. Do you see me? In spirit, yes you do. I am SO very there, Phil.

But physically, no.

Where I live, the “dollar-to-affording shelter” exchange rate is a tad bit higher. Call me a tenderfoot, but I don’t want to live in a house made of gunnera leaves and forage for food using poisoned darts. Not every day, anyway. I would like to have a malarial summer hut as well.

So I am afraid I will have to pass this time. But I am so glad to hear from you, Phil. I understand that wolverine nibbles can be very worrisome. Please take care of yourself and possibly see to your crippling gambling addiction. I say this with all possible love!

Stay safe!

John


 

5.jpgHi John,

I am working with Pinnacle Partners to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Full Time – Customer Service Representative (Filling Fast!) – Pinnacle Partners – Carmel, IN
$14 – $14 hourly (USD) 

Pinnacle Partners has partnered with a large company located on the North side of Indianapolis looking to hire for several job openings on a temp to hire basis!   Responsibilities will include: Provide prompt and courteous service during inbound and outbound phone calls with the client customers and respond to questions and concerns Contact clients, their customers, dealer…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate


img_6182.jpgMy dearest Phil,

This one gave me pause. The options presented are too much for me to bear!

Do I go for fourteen dollars per hour, or get greedy and negotiate towards fourteen dollars per hour instead? Or do I try to make that middle ground between fourteen dollars and fourteen dollars and choose fourteen dollars?

Do I sell myself short or dear, Phil? One the one hand, fourteen dollars per hour is not quite enough to get buy. Get it, Phil? “Buy” instead of “by?” That’s a joke, Phil. The same level of joke as “fourteen dollars per hour is a living wage.”

On the other extreme, fourteen dollars per hour threatens to move me to another tax bracket. You do understand tax brackets, don’t you, Phil? I don’t. I just know that when I cross this arbitrary line, the government wants more money but the waitstaff at nicer restaurants are no longer legally obliged to throw dinner rolls at me. Opportunity cost, opportunity benefit, right Phil?

The problem is proving to the employer that I am worth fourteen dollars an hour instead of, say, fourteen dollars an hour. The problem with making fourteen dollars an hour, Phil, is that there will be more pressure on me to earn that money than if I settled for fourteen dollars an hour. Is the extra mad cash at the fourteen dollars an hour range worth the anxiety the responsibilities will cause me?

That advocates for the fourteen dollar middle ground. Although, really – I would prefer to make fourteen dollars an hour instead. A fat wad like that would buy me enough therapy to keep me going.

Choices, Phil. I am paralyzed by them.

There, it is decided. I choose the fourteen dollars per hour option! It’s madness, I know. But I made the decision the same way I make all difficult decisions. I flipped off a biker, he hit me on the side of my head with a pool cue, and when I woke up I had the answer. Bonus: and a detached retina.

In the meantime, I won’t be taking the job. I hate customers and there is no legal way for me to represent them according to my sensibilities. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to have a little lie-down.

Dizzily yours,

John


5.jpgHi John,

I am working with CCR Technology Partners, Inc. to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Inside Sales & Operations Support – CCR Technology Partners, Inc. – Fishers, IN
$30,000 – $50,000 annual (USD) 

Zip Recruiter Ad 01-17-2018 About Us: CCR Technology Partners is an Indianapolis based consulting firm providing tactical strategies and advice to Corporate CEO’s, CFO’s and Business Owners, for over 30 years.  CCR helps management refine their vision by providing long range strategic planning, budgeting and technical support on all things technology in the office environm…

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

img_6182.jpgDear Phil,

At this point, I would like to state that CCR has been broken up since 1972.

If I were a lazy person, I would cut and paste the whole article about Creedence Clearwater Revival from Wikipedia and call it a day.

In a completely unrelated question, what do you call a person who is too lazy to cut and paste an entire article into a post?

While you ponder that one, answer man, I have another question: what is “inside sales?” I ask because I remember that in high school selling candy bars was a lucrative venture. You have a cluster of kids with little impulse control who are corralled in one area for at least half the day. Suddenly, you appear like God’s own sugar pusher with candy marked up only 30%, or 25% if you are a dues-paying member of Kandy Klub. Rule number one of Kandy Klub? Buy my candy. Rule number two? Hide it from that asshole, Mrs. Findley.

I used that money to pay for my girlfriend’s class trip to Florida. She dumped me three days before the flight out. That day, I learned a lot about investment. It also inspired me to become the expert curse word wielder I am today.

If I can show up to work with a box of candy bars and a waiver for everyone to sign, I think I could rock the hell out of that job.

I think what I am trying to say is that Tom Fogarty is dead and there is little chance of a CCR reunion given the amount of acrimony between the surviving members of the band. You want to throw me into a poisonous work environment like that?

On the other hand, the money looks sweet. Although that is quite a huge spread in salary there. $30k – $50k? Can’t you call just pay me fourteen dollars an hour and call it a day?

All of my best and a little left over,

John


5.jpgHi John,

I am working with James Marketing Consultants to help fill an open role and they are looking for candidates like you. Based on your resume, I think you’d be a good fit.

Customer Service & Sales Rep | Entry Level [NOT A CALL CENTER] – James Marketing Consultants – Beech Grove, IN

Customer Service & Sales Rep | Entry Level [NOT A CALL CENTER] We are looking for an enthusiastic and competitive Entry Level Customer Service & Sales Representative in our Sales & Marketing Dept. who will partner with and ensure the long-term success of our customers. You will be responsible for developing relationships within your assigned territory, connecting with key …

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Regards,

Phil – Job Seeker Advocate

img_6182.jpgHi, Phil!

I’ve noticed that there is no salary posted. They seem a little sheepish as if they are ashamed of the pitifully low number they are thinking of.

Or the amazingly high number.

Now I am usually a “the half-empty glass is a quarter full” kind of guy. After all, an optimist is merely a failed pessimist. But when a company hides its light under a bushel, they’re going to set fire to it. It’s a bigger light is what I am saying, Phil. A bushel on fire is much brighter. It’s noticeable. Light like that attracts snipers, Phil.

Phil, I have to admit it. I lost my way in that metaphor. I completely lost track of what I was talking about. The company needs me to change lights? To set fire to bushels? I’m confused, Phil. What fresh madness are you proposing now?

I appreciate the reassurance that this is not taking place in a call center. First of all, I have no idea how flammable call centers are, but I imagine that they aren’t fireproof. I have never heard of a call center burning down, but then again I haven’t done the research. Have you, Phil? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? Call centers are flammable and therefore are not safe places to work? That call centers are where a company stores their petrol-soaked rags and boxes of old fireworks?

That sounds like a dangerous place to work, Phil. I am using one of the minor definitions of “dangerous,” meaning “fun and exciting.” I would use it in a sentence to demonstrate the meaning, but I just did.

Pay attention, Phil. You’re slipping.

In any case, I’ve been told that I don’t have the attention span for sales. I cannot remember who told me that, Phil. Do you? Of course not. Don’t be a know-it-all. Plus, the ad doesn’t tell me what I would be selling. It is for “James Marketing Consultants.” Will I be marketing James? Who am I selling him to? And for what seedy purpose?

Could you please for once stop thinking about sex workers for one second, Phil? Vegas really got to you.

Whatever am I to do with you?

Eternally yours,

John