Did you know that I am an expert at weddings?
Did you know that there is no governing body anywhere that regulates who is a wedding expert and there are no set criteria by which to measure one’s expertise at weddings?
And what is there to be an expert about? It’s pretty easy to tailor-make general advice that skewers to the wishes of the happy couple.
So really, anyone can get away with claiming to be a wedding expert just like me! Even you! Or the people who created this advice!
So a wedding should have good food and music! I could never have put that together. Makes me ashamed that I served Velveeta on toothpicks and played “This Is The Song That Doesn’t End” on an infinite loop.
Well, now I regret holding the razored edge of a broken Shiner Bock beer bottle against the Vicar’s throat and screaming at him to stop staring at me. I admit it WAS pleasing to me, but I could have handled his eerie, bug-like googly eyes in a calmer manner.
And of course, everyone knows how important it is for one to have their own stank.
If this advice seems glib, it is only because it is very, very glib. I not only could come up with better advice, I did and I have no regrets!
So that’s the secret! Thanks, me!
Well, I’ll be dipped!
I knew it!
It all makes so much sense!
He (I) really nailed that!
Now you know what to strive for, wedding planners. Keep an open bar and sharp cutlery at hand!
So how about it? Ready to become a wedding expert like me? All you have to do is declare it. Oh, and print up some business cards. Business cards make every idiotic notion real.