Battlefield Earth (2001)

F*** me…

The good news: you have a hero – someone you nearly worship. This hero has inspired you in ways that you could never have anticipated. The example of this hero has kept you brave during the darkest times in your life. This hero’s legacy guides you and brings you comfort. When you feel weak or hopeless, you think of this mentor and find the wind you need to fill your sails.

Eventually, you are back on top. You use your new-found power and status to do a kindness: bring this hero’s dream to reality. Share this strength and vision with the world.

The bad news – and the news is VERY bad: this hero is famed con-man, domestic abuser, and kidnapper L. Ron Hubbard. Your stand-in in this fable? John Travolta.

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Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)


And here we are at last with what the Golden Turkey awards called the “worst film of all time.”

That’s right! Edward D. Wood, Jr.’s high/low point in glorious cinema! Here is where all of the lessons he learned from “Glen Or Glenda” and “Bride of the Monster” were completely ignored. This is the baseline for any measurement of terrible movies.

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Manos: The Hands Of Fate (1966)

In “If You Can’t Say Something Nice,” I take a work of “art” that is widely (and justifiably) scorned and try to see the bright side of things.


Ah, “Manos.” Possibly the platonic* ideal of a bad movie. “Plan 9 From Outer Space” was long regarded as the worst movie ever made and it isn’t even close to that. “Plan 9” has a charming lack of cynicism to it. It is exactly itself, with no hint of an apology.

It also has the best acting from a Swedish ex-wrestler I’ve ever seen!

But, Manos…

On the other hand, stop the lazy judging and read this synopsis:

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